Fear

As I started running the water for my shower I gathered up a few toys for Kristina, who was not even a year old at the time, and sat her in the middle of the bathroom floor. Shane had already left work, I had dressed Kristina and now I just needed to get myself ready.

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This was our usual routine and as I showered she would sit in the floor and play with her toys. She never crawled off, she never pulled up on anything, she never opened a cabinet door or drawer. Kristina was never my "investigator" and she followed my instructions without discipline most of the time.

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Occasionally I would peek out of the shower curtain to ensure that she was there and although I didn't have my contacts in I could see just well enough to know that she was safe. As I was almost finished bathing I peeked out and noticed that Kristina was crawling away. I began to call her name as I hurriedly finished up. As I flung the shower curtain back I called out to her once more "Kkkkkrrrrriiiiiisssssttttttiiiiinnnnnaaaaa...."
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I wrapped the towel around my body and looked up and all I saw was a male figure standing in the doorway of the bathroom holding my child. I began to scream in a way that I'm sure could have broken glass. I screamed and cried and screamed and cried and the closer the figure came towards me the more I screamed. Once he was within just a few feet I inhaled to scream again when I heard his voice, "Lori, it's me..." It was Shane!

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The fear of that moment has never left me, even some 15 years later. I remember that day just as vividly today as I did the day it happened. The fear that swelled up inside of me was unexplainable. I have been through many things throughout the past 15 years and although I have been scared out of my wits I have never felt that type of fear.

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Our lives are full of valleys and mountains. We have ups and downs. Joy and sadness. It is just this rollercoaster that we are strapped into. I have to remind myself that I am on nothing more than a ride and although I take turns that I often don't like I am learning to just hold on and wait because strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord! I remind myself that although mean people will say mean things to me, about me, my hope lies in Him. He is the everlasting God! He is my strength! He is my comforter! Though others try to defeat me, they will not win!

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"Powerful people harass me without cause, but my heart trembles only at your word." Psalm 119:161 (NLT).