Not A Problem

"Don't worry about it" or "I never thought anything of it" and "It is fine, I promise" and then you have "You don't have to even say you're sorry, it's over" and then sometimes there is "It is gone and forgotten." These are things that I say on a normal basis. With teenagers in the house things are always getting broken, smashed, misplaced, stories aren't always told exactly the way they happened and when THE MOM in me kicks in I realize the deceit. As a parent, forgiveness is just something you do from day to day.

.

But, I have begun to realize something about myself...I am having a hard time forgiving and forgetting when I'm hurt very deeply. About two years ago our lives spiraled into a frenzy. It is a personal situation that maybe one day I'll be able to freely discuss but not right now. It involved our precious Kristina and someone who was involved in her life. The hurt that I witnessed my child go through has left a stain on my heart that is not quickly forgotten. I have been praying and asking God to reveal to me things in my life that I need to get rid of and this one thing keeps coming up...I haven't truly forgiven this individual for their actions.

.

I sit and I think about it all and I wonder; how in the world do I forgive? How in the world do I forget? On one hand I want wonderful things for this person, I want them to find Christ, I want them to become a wonderful parent and spouse, citizen, employee, I do want them to be the best that they can be but then there is this other side of me that wants this person to sit at home miserable, filled with guilt over the things that they did to Kristina. Maybe realizing and actually admitting my feelings is the first step to forgiving and forgetting.

.

But, as I always do, my mind starts spinning ninety miles an hour. Have I gotten so callous in forgiving that I have actually never learned to forgive. It is easy to say "Oh don't worry about it" and move on but have I actually forgiven that person for that thing? Have I learned to fully forgive or is it just words that I say but always hide it in my heart for eternity? Is my heart full of resentment to those who have hurt me or my family? Or, do I only carry resentment for those who hurt me or my family in a deeper way? Then, I wonder; how do I decide what is worth holding on to and what is worth forgiving? Do you see my dilemma?

.

So, to the Word I go..."Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Colossians 3:13 (NLT). Now, the Word says to forgive but I'm still a little unsure of exactly how to fully do that. God's grace and mercy is so wonderful and he forgave me unconditionally for my terrible, awful sins and I know that I must do the same but, in this flesh I'm struggling. I wish I had an answer to all these questions. I wish that I could sit here and share with you what God has revealed to me so that maybe you too could let go and actually forgive but, the only thing that has been revealed to me is my own sin in carrying this resentment around. So, stay tuned...God is truly doing a work in my life and maybe admitting the sin is the first step!

.

So, onward - forward - march! Another day, another lesson, another scripture...amazing to me how all those years ago His Word was written and it applies just as much today as it did back then. Obviously people have always had a hard time forgiving and forgetting...God's mercy...something I will never understand! =)